Trying to Get Back on the Horse....

I've been scared of blogging.

I don't know why. I just know that I'm finding any reason I can NOT to blog...when deep inside I know I want to.

I know the people that read this will just be happy to see a blog...and not really care whether it's "good" or not. They'll comment or smile when they see a March 24 blog entry and say something like, "It's about time." And I'll say, "Yeah...I'm trying to get over the hump. It's spring. Time to start fresh."

But I am my own worst critic. And when I put myself out there for the world (relatively speaking) to read, and I'm feeling less than "poetic"....I disappoint myself. I try not to. But I often fail.

Lately I've been trying to focus on myself though, and explore any hidden talents or goals I may have. I've talked with extraordinary people that have given me some insight on how to do that. Tonight...I started yoga. Granted, it's a DVD I purchased and Big and Little A decided to "yoga-size" with me so I don't think I got QUITE the relaxation I was aiming for (but I did get some really good laughs and one hysterical video that D promised he wouldnt' get me in)...but possibly I'm trying to center myself. I know, I know...that sounds all metaphysical in some sense. It is and it isn't. I sincerely feel that the Writers Block I've been going through is connected somehow with who I am and where I'm at in my life. I kinda feel like there are doorways that are locked..and I'm trying to locate a key to open them.

Time management - I suck at it. Although I come home every night from work and I run almost the exact same routine every night (make dinner, give baths, rock Little A, kiss Big A goodnight, sit in the hot tub with a book, watch some TV, go to bed), I feel so incredibly busy. I don't see my friends enough. I feel like my time with my kids is rushed. D and seem to pass each other as if we're on a highway - waving but then speeding up to get to our next destination. There has to be more than this. There has to be a way to manage that. To find free time - be silly, loving and fun with my girls, husband and friends.

So tonight I yoga'd (is there a plural for that word? If not...I just created one). I'm not good at it. In fact, for as funny as Big and Little A were in the downward dog, I imagine the redness in my face and shaking of my arms was just about as entertaining. And when I sat in the hot tub, I didn't read the whole time (I did a little - I AM Tami - it comes with being me). I sat in silence. I closed my eyes and ...in the words of Depeche Mode - enjoyed the silence (minus the rumbling jets, of course). And guess what....

I came in a blogged. Or am blogging. Since I still am - and that makes it present tense, not past.

Baby steps...in whatever it is you want to do in life...be them huge momentous events, or tiny little inconsequential ones such as this.

It's a start...and I'll take it.