You know - there's so much I've been meaning to post and about a hundred reasons I could give for not posting. But the true fact is - there's always a hundred reasons. And I'm never going to be not busy. And I'm probably always going to spend too much time on Facebook, in the hot tub, reading, working etc etc....and if I cut out some time from those things, I'd have PLENTY of room to blog. So know going forward that "busy" means the above-referenced - and time management sometimes sucks.
The sad stuff: On February 26 I had to say goodbye to a being that was a part of my life for over 14 years. She had the warmest brown eyes you ever saw, gorgeous yellow fur and the sweetest deposition of all. Her name was Bailey - and she was my beloved pet. And I couldn't write about her at the time because the pain was so fresh. And then I wanted to write about her on what would have been her 15th birthday on April 18 - but I couldn't find the right words. And I still don't know if I can find the right words to honor her, but I'm going to give it a whirl.
Bailey arrived to us a sassy like scrap of a fireball. She chewed up cell phones and pagers, numerous shoes, she chewed the walls, she chased plastic milk jugs when she couldn't find her tennis balls (very trailer to be kicking milk jugs at your dog off your porch - let me tell you). She was a pain in the arse - but she was also so many other things: Loyal, protective, loving, a fantastic listener, and pretty darn good kisser. And as our family grew and we added babies, Bailey would let them crawl all over her, tug at her ears, grab at her fur and I never once worried. I knew she loved them and would take care of them. She had a heart that was strong and full of love.
Soon came on February 26. After months of watching her and seeing her fail more and more, and seeing her struggle to get up and down steps and control her bladder and fall down on shaky hips ....and looking into her eyes and seeing the pain ...we made the hardest decision we ever had to make. I kept waiting for a vet to tall me that her heart was weak - or that she had a disease that we couldn't cure - but they never did. Bailey's heart was huge and strong as always - and internally - all systems were fine. It would have made it easier if there would have been something seriously wrong. It would have made it easier if she would have just closed her eyes and went on her own. But life isn't always easy - and after months of talking and stalling (mostly by me) I finally admitted that it was time to let her go.
I didn't go with to that final appointment. I couldn't get myself to do it. My 10 year old did though - and although it was hugely painful for her - I give her all the credit in the world for being there and hugging Bails as she closed her eyes forever. I think Big A learned a lot about life that day - and got one of those valuable life moments that stay with you forever. And I admire her so much for having more strength then I did that day in being there to say good bye to Bailey.
I miss her. I know to some they're just animals - but for me they're family members. I will always miss her. And I'm not entirely convinced she taught Mia everything she should have before Bailey had to go (the Kid still has a LOT to learn) but I know she probably tried. :) Mia has been a diversion for us and has probably made the healing a bit easier though - if not for anything other than we're constantly yelling at her to stop chewing things and chasing things - much as we did with Bailey back in the day. I remind D of that when he's exasperated with Mia - that Bailey was the same way - and look what she became.
After she died I sort of did that thing where I wanted a sign that she was okay. I didn't know what but for some reason a red bird came to mind. I don't see a lot of red birds and to see one would be unique. I looked for days and days after her passing but never saw one. I looked on her birthday and never saw one. Mothers Day - I looked out on my deck and right there on the edge around it - right next to the sliding glass door - stood a red cardinal. It was about 6 feet away from me and it stood there for about 10 seconds and just looked at me. To some - coincidence and no big deal. To me...it was my sign..on Mothers Day...and was saying, "Hi Mom." I smiled through a couple of tears....and whatever you want to make of it...it was indeed my sign.
We love you, we cherish you...we will never forget you Bails.
Finally...my poorly worded horribly phrased tribute to you...but the best I can do for now.
Bailey Day
April 18, 1996 - February 26, 2011